32. Carolina Panthers 1-11

Congratulations to the Carolina Panthers. It looked bad early when they led 14-0 in Seattle, but they found a way to lose and are still the favorites to land the #1 overall draft pick and draft Andrew Luck. Lucky for them, John Fox didn’t trade away their 2011 first round pick in the 2010 draft like he did in each of the last two years.

With Luck to the Panthers becoming more and more of a foregone conclusion, Jimmy Clausen being traded does too. Clausen will probably be able to be had for a 3^rd or 4^th rounder and will be a bargain as a one-time potential first round pick who slipped and got stuck with a crap supporting cast in his rookie year. Let’s see where Clausen could land.

Miami- I like this idea a lot. Clausen is cheap competition for Henne for the starting quarterback job in 2011. Clausen is better than any competition they currently have on the roster.

Cincinnati- Carson Palmer is done as a functional starter. Clausen gives them a cheaper, more experienced option at quarterback rather than drafting a rookie in the first.

Tennessee- Vince Young is likely gone in the offseason, but they may have too low of a draft pick to be able to draft one of the top 4 quarterbacks. Or they might just not like Locker or Newton.

San Francisco- Like the Titans, they might not be able to get Luck or Mallett and might not like Locker or Newton.

Seattle- See above.

Oakland- They need a quarterback, but have no first round pick.

Washington- Clausen could be groomed as a future (or near future) replacement for Donovan McNabb.

31. Arizona Cardinals 3-9

Derek Anderson may put his “heart and soul into this,” but he’s still not very good. His recent 7 for 20 for 91 yards and a pick performance against the Rams was absolutely pathetic. The Cardinals need to see what backup John Skelton has. Max Hall doesn’t look like an NFL signal caller and Anderson looks like an NFL signal caller after a crazy night on the town.

 Skelton is a raw rookie out of Fordham, but their season is obviously over. They need to evaluate the kid to see if drafting a quarterback like Ryan Mallett (assuming they can’t get Andrew Luck) is a necessity in the first round.

For a funny parity video of Derek Anderson’s rant, click here.

30. Buffalo Bills 2-10

Poor Bills. Not only are they out of Luck, literally, but now it looks like Ryan Fitzpatrick is significantly worse than they once realized. Bills fans, it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to take the bags off your heads any time soon. Fitzy was 4 for 9 for 9 yards in the first half with a pick, before putting up some slightly better numbers in the second half against a prevent defense when it didn’t matter.

29. Cincinnati Bengals 2-10

Everyone in the world knew when the Saints lined up on 4^th and 2 inside the 10, down by 3 with mere minutes left, that it was obviously a fake and an attempt to try to catch the Bengals off sides for the first down. Everyone, that is, except Bengals defensive lineman Pat Sims, who bit on the fake and gave up the first to the Saints, who would go on to score and win.

The Bengals have actually put up a nice effort at times this year, almost mounting a comeback against the Steelers and Colts, in addition to the Saints game, but stupid mistakes have them at 2-10 and on a 9 game losing streak.

28. Detroit Lions 2-10

The football gods hate the Lions. I have I said that before. This time, the Lions, down to their 3^rd string quarterback because of injuries, led the 8-3 Bears when Ndamukong Suh’s perfectly legal hit on Jay Cutler drew a penalty flag and eventually led to a Bears touchdown in a 24-20 Bears win. This is the 2^nd time this year they have lost to the Bears because of a bullshit call (I know the Calvin Johnson play was following the rule, but the rule is stupid).

They are now 5-47 in their last 52 games. They’ve had injuries to Matt Stafford (twice), his backup Shaun Hill, Jahvid Best and have lost 6 games by less than a touchdown. Many experts said this Lions team was talented enough to win 7-8 games this year. They were right. They were talented enough. Just not lucky enough.

27. Denver Broncos 3-9

2 weeks ago I told the saga of Josh McDaniels and then added an extra paragraph to it after the “failgate” incident in which former Patriots assistant Josh McDaniels hired the guy who shot the tapes from Spygate and then that camera man was caught taping the then 1-6 49ers’ practices and the Broncos still lost.

Now, it seems the McDaniels saga is over. McDaniels has been fired, the 3^rd coach this season to be fired. With Wade Phillips, Brad Childress, and McDaniels all out in one season, I’m running out of coaches to make fun of. I would tell the saga of Josh McDaniels again, but I just did that two weeks ago.

I’ll just conclude with this. I’m still convinced McDaniels was a Patriot spy sent over to destroy the Denver Broncos. It’s the only explanation. And McDaniels did well. Also I love interim coach Eric Studesville’s name. Studesville. Sounds like the nickname a guy would give himself when he’s trying to impress a girl.

“Hey there, baby, my name’s Eric, you want to take a trip to Studesville?”

With Tim Tebow in town, Denver becomes the front runner for Tebow fanatic/stalker Jon Gruden. As long as it gets him off of MNF, I’m happy.

26. Cleveland Browns 5-7

Jake Delhomme is 2-0 as a starter since Colt McCoy went down?! What is this madness?! Delhomme hasn’t been good, but it’s just been a case of his competition being worse. Both Jimmy Clausen and Chad Henne looked like Delhomme against the Browns in the past few weeks. Maybe they watched a bit too much of his gametape and their brains exploded.

25. San Francisco 49ers 4-8

Time for the weekly bashing of the NFC West. The 4-8 49ers are only 2 games back and with 3 more division games left, still very much alive in the division despite the fact that their starting quarterback sucks and their best offensive player Frank Gore is done for the season and has been replaced with a 5^th round rookie and a 31 year old Brian Westbrook who was left for dead this offseason.

On a side note, Mike Singletary is going back to Alex Smith this week, citing experience. Experience doing what? Losing? Sucking? Being terrible? All 3 49er quarterbacks are terrible, but at least be consistent with your quarterback. A team with two quarterbacks is a team with no quarterback.

This team needs consistency at the position and someone to turn to as a leader week in and week out. The offensive line needs to block for the same guy every week. The running back needs to take the hand off from a different guy every week. The receiver especially need to catch passes from the same guy every week. Quarterbacks should only be changed for logical reasons. Not for the hell of it. I don’t like this move.

24. Washington Redskins 5-7

Did this team even play last week? If I remember correctly, the Giants were playing a high school team last week. Well, they must have been on their bye and I don’t do write ups when teams are on bye.

Instead, I’ll make fun of ESPN some more.

1. Every week, ESPN “experts” make their picks and then they are compared with Sportsnation’s picks. ESPN’s best record wise is Mike Golic, who is 122-70 on the season. In addition to being 4 games worse than I am, this 122-70 record is the only record by any of the 8 ESPN experts that’s better than Sportsnation. Basically what this shows is that the average fan at home is better than 7 of 8 of ESPN’s finest.

2. Harder to find on ESPN’s page are Mike Ditka, Keyshawn Johnson, Chris Carter, and Tom Jackson’s picks. However this shouldn’t be harder to find, as they all have fairly respectable records. Ditka is 116-76, Keyshawn 118-74, and Carter 119-73. Not terribly impressive, but not terrible. Tom Jackson is actually 130-62, which is four games better than me. Why are these harder to find than the pages that shows that Sportsnation is better than their experts? That’s like meeting a girl at a bar and telling her that you’re unemployed and going on and on about how you don’t work, but then mentioning as an afterthought that you started a multi-million dollar company out of your dorm room in college and don’t have to work.

3. Mike Golic and Mike Greenberg make what they call their “stone cold lead pipe locks”. Mike Golic’s record is 14-11-1, but Greeny’s is 7-17-2 and two weeks ago was 4-17-1. Well at least he’s improving. Good thing Greeny gets paid a ton of money by ESPN to make picks because otherwise he’d be broke because he lost so much money betting on sports.

23. Tennessee Titans 5-7

I never thought I’d see it, but a Jeff Fisher team has given up. Ever since the Vince Young incident, this team has shown no heart. A lot of that was blamed on Rusty Smith in the Houston game, but with Kerry Collins at quarterback for the Jacksonville, you can’t blame the quarterback solely for this one. They’ve given up.

It’s interesting when you consider how good Vince Young’s record was as a starter with the Titans. He never put up big stats, but he could always rally the troops and win. With him gone, they aren’t showing much hustle. I never thought I’d see the day, but this Tennessee team has fallen apart without Vince Young.

22. Houston Texans 5-7

In 2008 this team fell to 3-7 despite having high expectations early, but won 5 of their last 6, giving them hope for next year. In 2009 this team fell to 5-7 despite having high expectations, but won their last 4, giving them hope for next year. Now in 2010, they have fallen to 5-7 again despite high expectations and could win 3 or 4 of their last 4 to set the bar high for next year again. Translation, I won’t believe this team will make the playoffs until they do.

I don’t think Gary Kubiak is the right coach for this team. Why else would they be so bad in close games? Unfortunately if they go 3-1 or better in these next 4, Kubiak could be around next year again.

21. Dallas Cowboys 4-8

Dallas Cowboys fans have to be kicking themselves right now. Yes, their team is playing good football, but if Jason Garrett can have this team at 3-1, with the one loss coming by 3 to New Orleans, with Jon Kitna at quarterback, imagine how good they could have been if Garrett were their coach all year, including when Romo was healthy. Once again, I have no clue why Wade Phillips was their coach for so long.

20. Oakland Raiders 6-6

I would like to congratulate the Oakland Raiders on winning 6 games in a season for the first time since before Al Davis was undead. They still have issues at quarterback and a lot of their wins came as a result of a fairly easy schedule, and they have still looked terrible at times, but they’ve gotten their 6 wins. With 4 to go, could they possibly win (gasp) 7 games!

19. Miami Dolphins 6-6

Chad Henne probably watched too much game tape of Jake Delhomme before the Browns game, because he really did play like him. In all seriousness, I think this team is going to be looking for a new quarterback this offseason, even if it’s only someone to compete with Henne for the job in camp. This was supposed to be Henne’s breakout year. Instead, he’s led the talented Dolphins to a mere 6-6 record and has 15 picks to 12 touchdowns.

This last performance was his absolute worst of the season, throwing 3 picks against the Browns, 1 of which set up a game winning field goal for the Browns to win it 13-10. They would be smart to add a quarterback like Jimmy Clausen (for a 3^rd or 4^th rounder) or draft a mid round quarterback this offseason.

18. Seattle Seahawks 6-6

The Seahawks by no means played well against the Panthers in a 31-14 victory. The Panthers simply didn’t try. I still think the Rams are the best team in this division and will win the division, but that’s yet to be determined.

The Rams/Seahawks game week 17 should be a very interesting one for the division. If the Seahawks win, a team having to go into Seattle in the first round is no easy task, but the Seahawks should still roll over pretty easily. The Rams will be a tougher test. They’re great at home as well and have the better, more complete, and better coached team.

17. Minnesota Vikings 5-7

Following the Vikings’ wins over the Redskins and Bills and the Cowboys 3-1 record in 4 games with Jason Garrett, I would not be surprised if every team in the league fired their head coach in an attempt to win next week. Oh wait, I used that one last week. Well, maybe instead I’ll take what could be the final look at Brett Favre’s career after he hurt his throwing shoulder on the first throw of the game against the Bills.

Drafted in 1991 with the 33^rd pick, in the 2^nd round, by the Atlanta Falcons and traded a year later to Green Bay for a 1992 1^st round pick.

Atlanta used that pick on Tony Smith, Favre’s former college teammate. Smith was the Falcons starting running back in 1992, averaging 3.8 YPC and then was moved special teams to return kicks and punts for 2 years before his career ended. Whoops!

If Favre doesn’t play for the rest of the season and retires, that will mean he would have ended 4 straight seasons with an interception, only fitting for the career leader in interceptions all time.

Luckily for Favre, no one really cares about how many picks he threw because he holds just about every one passing record, including most passing attempts, most passing completions, most passing yards, most passing touchdowns, most games started at quarterback, most consecutive games started at quarterback, basically any record that combines passing and longevity.

His most famous record is his 297 straight career starts, 321 if you count playoffs, spanning close to 19 years. By comparison, Cal Ripken’s streak spanned 16 years in the MLB, which is a less physically demanding sport. Not to take anything away from Cal Ripken (or Tony Stark), but Favre is the real Iron Man.

Despite his long career, Favre says he has never suffered an injury like the one he did against the Bills this week, namely an SC joint sprain in his shoulder. According to Harvard Health Publications, SC joint sprains occur most often “when a driver’s chest strikes the steering wheel during an auto accident, or when a person is crushed by an object.”

Speaking of crushed by an object, that “object” was 250 pound Arthur Moats of the Buffalo Bills. Moats is a rookie 6^th rounder out of William and Mary. When Brett Favre was drafted, Moats had just turned 3. When Favre was getting drafted, Moats probably was just out of diapers, still had training wheels on his bike, and hadn’t started school.

Of course there’s about a 95% chance that this “eulogy” on Favre’s career is at least 4 weeks too soon. With the Vikings out of it, I don’t think Leslie Frazier has the guts to bench Favre if he’s healthy. I know I wouldn’t. And Favre is going to do everything he can to play this week, even if the game doesn’t mean anything, because that’s the type of player he is. Stubborn ‘til the very end, and great because of it.

 

16. St. Louis Rams 6-6

The best team in the NFC West in my opinion, the Rams have been exceeding expectations all year, almost every week, as they are 9-3 against the spread. That stat doesn’t have a ton of relevance but it does show they play harder than expected every week and there’s a lot that can be said about a young team that can do that. They have their biggest test of the season this week, going into New Orleans, where division rival Seattle lost by 15 earlier this year.

15. Jacksonville Jaguars 7-5

If the Jaguars win this week against the Raiders, they will be able to eliminate the Colts from the division week 15. However, I still don’t think this team can win that Colts game. The Colts are a better team than they appear and the only reason the Jags won earlier this year was that they got a desperation late field goal, one of two improbable victories for them this year, if you count the Hail Mary game. This team doesn’t have a single win that has impressed me this year and they should be an easy out in the playoffs if they do end up making it, because they can’t stop anyone through the air.

14. New York Giants 8-4

Steve Smith and Hakeem Nicks could both miss this week’s game against the surging Minnesota Vikings in Minnesota, as could several key linemen. After that game, they’ve got Philly and Green Bay in Green Bay, before going to Washington week 17. Their second half swoon could still in be intact despite winning their last two against the overrated Jaguars in comeback form and the non-existent Redskins. This team is going to have a tough time making the playoffs over teams like New Orleans, Green Bay, and Chicago.

13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 7-5

The Buccaneers still have not beaten a team with a winning record, but they hung with the Falcons until the very end, which is a positive. A negative, however, both starting cornerback Aqib Talib, the most underrated cover man in the league, and starting center Jeff Faine, a Pro Bowl caliber interior blocker, are both done for the season with injuries. With 3 more games left against teams with losing records I could still see them sneaking into the playoffs, but they won’t get anywhere once there. Buccaneers fans don’t have anything to feel down about however. This team is a year ahead of schedule, remember. They weren’t supposed to be good this year.

12. Kansas City Chiefs 8-4

Feel free to debate this point, but their 10-6 win over the Broncos didn’t really make them look like a team that can win a playoff game. Nonetheless, their easy schedule has them as only team in the NFL with a 2 game lead in their division and puts them in a position to be able to clinch the division next weekend with a win over the Chargers. If they were to do that, they’d be the first team to clinch this season.

11. Indianapolis Colts 6-6

I love how ESPN is trying to break down why Peyton Manning is struggling. It’s simple, everyone around him sucks. His defense and lack of running game have forced him to 534 times in 12 games, on pace for 712, which would shatter Drew Bledsoe’s record for most passing attempts in a season. In their last three losses, they have thrown 148 times in 3 games.

With an offensive line that can’t block, Manning is getting pressured on almost every play. The other team doesn’t have to respect the run so they go for the quarterback on every play and limit Manning’s time in the pocket. He hasn’t been sacked much at all because of how good pocket presence he has, but he’s being forced into incompletions and interceptions. It doesn’t help that his receivers can’t catch.

10. Chicago Bears 9-3

The football gods may hate the Lions, but they seem to love the Bears. This is the 2^nd time this year that the Lions have barely lost to the Bears thanks to injuries and an iffy call. The Bears have 3 wins over teams with winning records, one of which was missing its #1 and #2 quarterbacks, another of which was missing its starting running back and committed 18 penalties, and the last of which was missing its top corner. Some say it’s better to be lucky than good, but to win a Super Bowl, you have to be both. This isn’t a team that I think can beat 3 or 4 straight playoff teams in a row. They’re not that consistent.

9.  Baltimore Ravens 8-4

Poor Joe Flacco. He just can’t beat Ben Roethlisberger. He can’t even beat 75% of him. Big Ben, broken nose, broken foot and all, still beat Flacco in what was easily the most entertaining 13-10 game I’ve seen in a while. Unfortunately for Flacco, he’s probably not getting to the Super Bowl without beating Big Ben, at least not this year. This is still a good team, despite the fact that they will probably end up with the 6^th seed after losing that game to the Steelers.

8. San Diego Chargers 6-6

Someone must have changed Norv Turner’s calendar from December to September. This is the first time in 15 December/January regular season games in the Norv Turner era that the Chargers have lost, losing by 15 at home to the Raiders, the 2^nd time the once lowly Raiders have beaten them this year.

Now the Chargers, who once looked like potential Super Bowl winners, are facing an elimination game this week against the Chiefs. If they lose, their season is over and even if they win, they no longer control their own destiny. The need to win out and have the Chiefs lose a game. Their last 3 aren’t very tough, San Francisco, Cincinnati, and Denver. But then again, neither are the Chiefs’ 3, Tennessee, Oakland, and St. Louis.

7. New York Jets 9-3

So much for this being a close game. I had some thoughts of changing my 1 unit on the Patriots to 5 units, just because I couldn’t see Brady losing at home (hasn’t happened in 26 straight regular season games) and to the same team twice in the same season (never happened), but I respected the Jets enough to keep it at 1. Whoops! Would have taken me out of the red.

The Jets just flat out didn’t show up on either side of the ball. No one on that team played well. For a team that I regarded as the 2^nd best team in the AFC, that’s absolutely embarrassing. Now they have to play the Dolphins, Steelers, Jets, before getting the Bills week 17. This team could very easily be 11-5 or even 10-6 and the road to any Super Bowl is going to go through New England this year. Rex Ryan and co can’t be looking forward to having to play there in late January to win a Super Bowl. It looks like the dark history of the Jets will continue yet another year.

This loss just goes to show that if you cruise through a weak schedule at 75% and then expect to be able to turn it on against a team like the Patriots, you’re going to fall flat on your face. The Jets just didn’t look elite from weeks 5-12. In that stretch, they needed a late pick six to beat the Vikings by 9, they needed a late PI call to beat the Broncos by 4, got shutout by the Packers, needed overtime to beat the Lions and Browns, two games they could have easily lost in regulation, needed a late score to beat the Texans by 3, and then beat a Bengals team that didn’t show up by 16, despite the fact that they actually trailed 7-3 at halftime. They were expecting to be able to turn it on when it mattered and they didn’t. I knew how complacent they were for weeks. Why I didn’t bet 5 units against them, I don’t know.

6. Philadelphia Eagles 8-4

Here’s my stance on Michael Vick. I don’t forgive him. He’s made his time to society, yes. Legally, he has done/is doing all he needs to do. That doesn’t force me to have to forgive him. I don’t know why everyone is so quick to forgive him. Forgiveness is for mistakes and what Michael Vick did wasn’t a mistake. What Michael Vick did was an intent to hurt.

Dogs are supposed to be man’s best friend and thus they are the closest animal to human beings there is. To torture and kill dogs, and put money on the torturing and killing of dogs, isn’t a mistake. That’s evil. Studies show that almost every serial killer has abused animals at some point in his/her life. That doesn’t mean all animal abusers become serial killers, but it’s certainly not a good stat. I don’t have any problem with Vick being in the NFL. He has legally earned that right. However, I will never support Vick.

5. New Orleans Saints 9-3

Similar to the Steelers, this team doesn’t get up for bad teams and lets the game be closer than it should, almost losing to the Bengals despite a great game by Drew Brees. Luckily, there are no bad teams in the playoffs and at 9-3, they will make the playoffs. Once there, they’re a very dangerous team because of their past success.

4. Green Bay Packers 8-4

The Packers may look back at their week 13 win over the 49ers as the turning point to their season. I know the 49ers aren’t great, especially not on the road, and a double digit victory over them doesn’t seem like a lot, but rookie running back James Starks ran for 73 yards on 18 carries against the 49ers 3^rd ranked run defense in his first game off the PUP. For a team that hasn’t lost all 4 losses by 3 points, and hasn’t been able to run the ball at all with Grant out, this is a welcome surprise.

Starks’ 73 is their second highest single rushing total of the year. If they could have run the ball, they likely would have beaten Atlanta in Atlanta. If they could have run the ball, they almost certainly would have beaten Atlanta on a neutral surface.

Now, one game isn’t enough to prove to me that they are once again the team I had winning it all before injuries struck, but with games against the Patriots, Giants, and Bears coming up after their game with the Lions, they’ll have plenty of chances against good teams to show themselves off and maybe even steal that first round bye away from New Orleans or Chicago.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers 9-3

The stat sheet won’t show it, but the Ravens game was exactly the reason Ben Roethlisberger has 2 rings and could easily get a 3^rd this year. It’s his heart. The whole game was fairly amazing by Big Ben, the Ravens defense, no offensive line help, the 35 degree winter with wind, the broken foot, the broken nose sustained on the first drive, but one play in particular sticks out.

If you watched the game, you know which one I’m talking about. Game winning drive, Roethlisberger has a pass rusher on him, Big Ben stayed on his feet, lost the pass rusher and was able to get out of the pocket and throw it out of bounds for the incompletion rather than a drive killing sack. On the stat sheet, it shows incompletion, but in reality it was a 110% heart play that allowed the Steelers to beat their arch rivals. After the play I tweeted “Big Ben is the type of quarterback who sacks pass rushers.”

Also I’d like to note there were two clear instances that should have been flagged according to the NFL’s new rules, that weren’t. Interesting enough, both hits were by the Ravens against the Steelers, one of which broke the nose of quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who earlier this month was punched in the face by Richard Seymour, who only got a 25K fine. The other was against Heath Miller, the tight end, who suffered a concussion in a helmet-to-helmet.

The hit on Big Ben, drew a mere 15K and while the hit on Miller drew 40K, slightly more reasonable. I think if it were James Harrison making the hit in either case, the fine would have been 50K+. Between Hines Ward and James Harrison calling out the commissioner’s new rules and Ben Roethlisberger “raping” someone, Roger Goodell doesn’t like the Steelers that much. I would say something bad about Goodell here, but I’m afraid he’ll pay people to come into my house and shoot me.

2. Atlanta Falcons 10-2

3 wins in their last 4 games will clinch them homefield and 2 should clinch them homefield. With their last 4 games against Carolina (twice), Seattle, and New Orleans, that should be a piece of cake. If they get homefield, look out. Matt Ryan is 19-1 as a starter in his career at home. Green Bay is creeping up on them, but I still have Atlanta higher, following their win over the Buccaneers, because they’ve beaten the Packers and because the Packers only have one game with their new found running game.

1. New England Patriots 10-2

If the Chargers and Colts can win their divisions, that means the Pats will have beaten every single AFC playoff team at some point this year, the Jets, the Ravens, the Colts, the Chargers, and the Steelers. Even if the Chargers and Colts can’t get it together, the Patriots and Tom Brady own Jacksonville in recent years and as for Kansas City, Tom Brady or Matt Cassel? I thought so.

Add in the fact that they’ve all but sealed up homefield until the Super Bowl in Dallas and that they haven’t lost a regular season game at home since late 2006 with Brady as their starter, and that the fact that they already have 3 rings with their current QB/Coach combo you get the definition of a team to beat.

Finally I would like to quote myself because I can. This is from week 11 and I felt it explains this team so well I’m saying it again.

“The Patriots are always at their best when they’re doubted. This year, coming into the season, this was all they heard. Tom Brady is more concerned with being a celebrity than a football player. Tom Brady’s wife cut off his balls. Tom Brady’s hair makes him look like a girl, or even Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber called Tom Brady out in a rap video. The Pats lost to the Ravens in the playoffs big time. The upstart Dolphins and the upstart Jets are better. Tom Brady is getting old. Randy Moss is becoming a diva again. The defense’s average age is 25. Even into week 2, when they lost to the Jets, people doubted them.

Their response, as it always is, fuck you guys, we’re winning the Super Bowl.”

If you don’t think this team is pissed and looking to make a statement every week, just look at their decision to go for it on 4th down and short last week with a 38-3 lead. I have absolutely nothing against that. This team has every right to make a statement like that.