32(32). Miami Dolphins 0-5

The NFL is great because any team can win on any given Sunday. Except the Dolphins. This team sucks. How they hell have they been on Monday Night Football twice already? Who picks these Monday Night Games. Next week we have Baltimore/Jacksonville. Any idiot can pick the winner of that team. There’s no suspense or drama. These are teams scheduled for MNF this year; Denver, Miami (x2), St. Louis (x2), Jacksonville (x2), Kansas City (x2), Minnesota, Seattle. Huh?

How hard is it to go, okay, New England/Dallas, Brady, Romo, that’s exciting, that’s going to be the Monday Night Football game? New England is on MNF twice. They played Miami and then they’ll play Kansas City. Those are going to be absolute blowouts. That shouldn’t be nationally televised. Patriots/Jets, Patriots/Chargers, Patriots/Eagles, hell, Patriots/Bills would have been an awesome MNF game. But no, we get Patriots/Chiefs and Patriots/Dolphins.

31(30). Indianapolis Colts 0-6

I hope Indianapolis gets Andrew Luck. I know Miami needs him more and probably deserves him more, but there’s no drama around Miami drafting Luck. If Indianapolis gets the #1 pick, they have to make a choice between drafting Luck and risking pissing off Peyton Manning or trading Luck and risking Luck winning multiple Super Bowls elsewhere while the Colts are perennial 5-11, 6-10 teams with Curtis Painter after Manning leaves.

30(31). Jacksonville Jaguars 1-5

The Jaguars have scored more than 14 points once this season. They have the fewest points in the league of any team other than St. Louis, who has played one fewer game than them. They have a rookie quarterback completing less than 50% of his passes. They’ve lost 8 of their last 9 and haven’t scored over 20 in their last 8. But yeah, put this team on national television. I’m sure they can give the Baltimore Ravens a game. The Ravens may have Ray Rice and Ray Lewis and Ed Reed and Haloti Ngata and Terrell Suggs and Joe Flacco, but the Jaguars have Maurice Jones Drew …oh and Blaine Gabbert.

29(28). Minnesota Vikings 1-5

Donovan McNabb had the worst 19 for 24 I’ve ever seen last week against Chicago. With the way the Bears were stuffing the line of scrimmage, McNabb probably should have completed 24 of 24 and for more than 177 yards. Adrian Peterson was held to 39 yards on 12 carries. The Bears had a game plan. Stuff Peterson, make McNabb beat you and he couldn’t do it. The offense had so much more life in it once Christian Ponder took over. Before that point, the Vikings had put in absolutely no effort in a 39-10 loss to the Bears.

Now they have to make a decision on whether or not to start Ponder. Starting him is always a risk. You don’t want him doing what Blaine Gabbert is doing, stinking it up and losing confidence. There’s no need to rush him. This team’s not going anywhere this year anyway, but if they feel he’s ready then I say go for it.

28(29). Kansas City Chiefs 2-3

On bye.

27(24). St. Louis Rams 0-5

The Rams almost covered a 15 point spread in the first half. So close. Luckily for them, the Packers took their foot off the gas up 24-3 at halftime and didn’t humiliate the Rams like they could have. The good news for the Rams is that Brandon Lloyd is coming to town. Lloyd led the league in receiving last year in Josh McDaniels’ offense and he’s not doing so bad this year either. If they can sign him to a short extension, that trade makes a lot of sense, especially since it was just a 5^th rounder.

Even if they can’t resign him long term, it was still a good move because Sam Bradford desperately needs help at receiver and unlike the Broncos, the Rams seem to understand the importance of surrounding your franchise quarterback with weapons in his developmental stage. The bad news for the Rams is that the guy who is supposed to be throwing him the ball, Sam Bradford, won’t be 100% this week with an ankle injury.

26(25). Arizona Cardinals 1-4

On bye.

25(26). Carolina Panthers 1-5

Cam Newton has played awesome for a rookie, but he’s obviously getting frustrated with his team’s lack of wins. That makes sense. This guy has won everywhere he’s been. However, the lack of wins has not been his fault. The defense sucks and their schedule has been brutal Arizona (1-5), Green Bay (6-0), Jacksonville (1-5), Chicago (3-3), New Orleans (4-2), Atlanta (3-3). Fortunately, Newton has 3 straight home games now to try to right the ship, with the reeling Panthers, the lowly Vikings, and the overrated Titans coming in town with a bye sandwiched in between.

24(27). Denver Broncos 1-4

I’m convinced John Elway and John Fox are just looking for an excuse to run Tebow out of town, but the fans would riot, so they can’t do it until he’s proven himself a failure. Why else would they trade his top receiver and the league’s leading receiver a year ago for a 5^th round pick? I get that he’s in a contract year, but a 5^th round pick? If they let him leave as a free agent they’d probably get at least a 4^th round pick as compensation. Hopefully Tebow can continue to get it done. Eric Decker is a solid receiver.

23(23). Seattle Seahawks 2-3

On bye.

22(21). Cleveland Browns 2-3

Isn’t it karma that Peyton Hillis sits out a game with strep throat and then confesses he could have played but his agent advised him not to given that he’s looking for a new deal and then a week later he actually gets hurt? The Madden Curse is really starting to work in interesting ways. This is why you don’t give running backs big money. Too inconsistent, too injury prone, and too unimportant in the modern NFL. The Browns have a solid back in Montario Hardesty for the future. Move on from Hillis and don’t overpay this bum.

21(11). Washington Redskins 3-2

Wow, so much for this team. Rex Grossman got worse every week and it eventually culminated in his 4 interception performance last week against the Eagles. They came into that game leading the NFC East. Now they’re the favorite to finish last. Grossman has been benched and I don’t expect John Beck to be all that great either. He won’t be as bad as Grossman was last week, but forgive me if I don’t expect that much from him. There’s a very good chance this team finishes as the 6-10/7-9 team we all felt they were coming into the season.

20(22). Cincinnati Bengals 4-2

The Bengals absolutely ripped off the Raiders by getting a first and a second rounder for Carson Palmer. It was a brilliant football move to flip a quarterback that they weren’t even using and frankly didn’t even need because Andy Dalton is better than him anyway for a 1^st and a 2^nd round pick. However, if you ask Sports Illustrated’s Jim Trotter, Mike Brown was not smart in making this move. He was, instead, racist.

Trotter tweeted “if you’re wondering why black players feel there’s a double standard in the nfl, mike brown’s handling of carson palmer is another example.” He later clarified that he was not meaning to call Mike Brown a racist but I could tweet, “Chad Henne is fucking terrible” and then later tweet, “I didn’t mean to insult Chad Henne.” It wouldn’t change anything.

Trotter is referring to the fact that Chad Ochocinco demanded a trade and did not receive one back in 2008, but Carson Palmer demanded a trade and received one. I’ll give you a simple explanation for this. Carson Palmer sucks (oh wait, is that racist against white people?). Chad Ochocinco was one of the best receivers in the game at the time. When Washington offered 2 1^st rounders for him, Brown felt it wasn’t worth it. If Washington had offered 5 1^st round picks for him, maybe he would have felt differently.

Plain and simple, the Raiders blew the Bengals away with their offer for Palmer. Brown would have been a moron not to pull the trigger, especially with how well Andy Dalton is playing right now. Plus, isn’t it also possible that Mike Brown LEARNED FROM HIS MISTAKES not trading Ochocinco when his value was still high in 2008 and decided not to make the same mistake with Palmer and wait for his value to deflate to trade him which Brown ultimately had to do with Ochocinco?

19(20). Chicago Bears 3-3

The Bears have to travel all the way to London to play a game against the Buccaneers in a shitty stadium in front of people who don’t even like football. Can you guess I don’t like the London game? By the way, I’m still not sold on this team. Minnesota didn’t even show up last week so that was hardly an impressive win. If they beat Tampa Bay this week, we’ll talk, but they don’t have an impressive win on the schedule and their offensive line still has problems, however good they looked against Minnesota.

18(18). New York Giants 4-2

Yes, the Giants did rebound from an embarrassing home loss to Seattle with a 3 point win over Buffalo at home last week, but their 2^nd half schedule still is a huge issue. They have a brutal 2nd half schedule @New England (5-1), @ San Francisco (5-1), vs. Philadelphia (2-4 could have everything together by then), @ New Orleans (4-2), vs. Green Bay (6-0), @ Dallas (2-3), vs. Washington (3-2), vs. NY Jets (3-3), vs. Dallas (2-3). Philadelphia and Dallas will still finish with better records than them.

17(19). Tennessee Titans 3-2

On bye

16(17). Oakland Raiders 4-2

The Oakland Raiders have traded a 1^st and a 2^nd rounder for Carson Palmer. Maybe Al Davis is still alive after all. How the hell is Carson Palmer worth a 1^st and a 2^nd rounder? The Raiders now have no picks until the 5^th round this year, after not having a first rounder last year, and they also won’t have a 2^nd rounder next year. This team is basically mortgaging their future for the chance to win 9 games max this year and it’s going to really piss me off if they succeed because I made a bet with a friend that the Raiders wouldn’t win more than 8 games.

Why do you think we NEVER and I mean NEVER see starting quarterbacks traded midseason? How the hell is Carson Palmer supposed to learn this offense and these receivers in time for this week’s game against Kansas City or even the rest of their games for the rest of the season, especially since Palmer has been sitting on his ass counting his money and throwing darts at a picture of Mike Brown since March?

Actually, you know what, I think this is beyond Al Davis. Al Davis would be smarter than this. I think they just replaced Al Davis with a cardboard cutout of him and a Magic 8 Ball. “Should we trade our entire future for Carson Palmer?” “Signs point to yes.” If this is true, I hope they used this picture of Al Davis for the cardboard cutout. I wouldn’t be surprised if that request was in old Al’s will.

 

15(16). Dallas Cowboys 2-3

This may be hard to believe, the Cowboys last 11 games have all been decided by 4 points or less (5-6 in that span). They’ve looked good at times, they’ve looked bad at times, but they’ve kept it close. Overall, I think this team is too young and immature to be consistent enough to win more than 8 or 9 games. They’re a fairly average team.

14(15). New York Jets 3-3

The Jets beat the Dolphins last week, but they certainly didn’t look good doing it. They once again didn’t go over 300 yards of offense, even though the Dolphins “defense” can’t cover or rush the passer. They couldn’t go over 300 yards of offense they week before against New England’s miserable defense either and we all know what happened the week before against Baltimore.

Against Miami, the Jets went 3 and out on their first 4 drives and that game could have easily been 24-20 instead of 24-6 had the refs called an obvious PI on Revis on a pick six in the red zone and had Brandon Marshall not made stupid mental mistakes all night. But, a win’s a win and the Jets have to be feeling better about themselves going into their game against San Diego this week. Can they win that one is the big question now.

13(14). Atlanta Falcons 3-3

Had Michael Vick not gotten hurt week 2 in Atlanta, the Falcons could have easily been 1-4 with one win by 2 over Seattle coming into last week. Last week they beat Carolina by 14, but they didn’t outplay them with the exception of a couple turnovers. I still have them out of the playoff picture, especially with Tampa Bay’s win over New Orleans, but the Falcons did prove last week they can still protect their home field, so long as it’s not against Green Bay.

12(10). Philadelphia Eagles 2-4

And…they’re right back in it. Told you not to count them out. The Giants have a brutal 2^nd half schedule, the Redskins are imploding right before our eyes, and the Cowboys haven’t been all that impressive this year either. The Eagles are definitely in the mix at 2-4 in a division that has surprisingly been one of the weakest this year, after many predicted the NFC East to be among the strongest.

11(13). Tampa Bay Buccaneers 4-2

Tampa Bay proved last week with a win over New Orleans that their huge road loss to San Francisco was a fluke. Besides, it’s not like San Francisco is too bad of a team themselves. Aside from that loss to San Francisco, they haven’t lost by more than 7 since their 5^th game of last year, 17 games, a stretch in which this young team is 11-6. With Washington fading and with head to head wins over both Atlanta and New Orleans, Tampa Bay has the inside track to a playoff spot and actually leads the NFC South as of right now. I think New Orleans overtakes them by a game or two when it’s all said and done with a home win over Tampa Bay, but this is still a very impressive squad.

10(9). Pittsburgh Steelers 4-2

The Steelers seem to have a tendency of taking their foot off the gas against weaker opponents. Both Indianapolis and Jacksonville have hung with them, despite the fact that they established a 14-0 early lead over Jacksonville last week. This is still a solid team that can make the playoffs with 10 or so wins in a weak AFC, but they’re not quite the Steelers of old. They play Arizona this week, who employs a ton of former Steeler assistants on their staff, so if they take their foot off the gas this week, perhaps looking forward to their rematch with New England next week, Arizona will beat them.

9(8). Houston Texans 3-3

The Texans haven’t looked good in their past 2 weeks without Mario Williams and Andre Johnson, but I think the Texans are good enough to reestablish their AFC South dominance this week with a win over overrated Tennessee, even without Andre Johnson. They’ll get Johnson back likely next week as their schedule gets easier. I still think this team wins the division with around 10-11 wins.

8(7). Buffalo Bills 4-2

No shame in losing to the Giants in New York. There aren’t a lot of really good teams in the league this year so a team like Buffalo who is solid to above average gets rated a little higher than they would most years. The Bills go on a bye before they play imploding Washington in Buffalo. They still have two games to go against Miami and they also play Denver. That’s at least 8 wins there easy. I think they can at least split with the Jets, so 9 wins. I think they lose to New England (rematch) and San Diego and split Dallas and Tennessee the last 2 games on their schedule. That’s 10 wins there.

7(5). Detroit Lions 5-1

The question now becomes, how will Detroit handle adversity. After starting 5-0, the Lions lost as favorites last week against a good San Francisco team. They can either regress as a young team with high expectations or they can learn from their mistakes and come back better than they were before, which would be a very good thing because they haven’t had an impressive win since week 2, meaning a game in which they looked good for 4 quarters. I say it’s 50-50 right now.

6(12). San Francisco 49ers 5-1

I don’t think I’ve been this wrong about a team before. I thought the 49ers would suck, but instead they’re awesome. Who would have known that 7 weeks would be all Jim Harbaugh would need to turn around this locker room culture (also how bad of a coach was Mike Singletary?!). They get better every week and are at least one of the top 3, if not the top 2 teams in the NFC. I would say something on handshakegate, but this is the biggest non-story ever. Seriously. ESPN made it their lead story on a day when an IndyCar driver burst into flames and died.

5(6). Baltimore Ravens 4-1

The Ravens had an impressive win against Houston last week, but that wasn’t full strength Houston. Besides, I’m still not quite sure how good banged up Houston is. However, that win certainly didn’t hurt them. The only reason they’re not higher here is Joe Flacco’s inconsistencies. In Flacco’s 5 games, he’s thrown for over 300 yards twice, but also under 200 yards twice.

4(3). New Orleans Saints 4-2

I’m not knocking New Orleans down too much after their loss to Tampa Bay, particularly because I predicted it. Also, this team was going to lose games. It’s important not to overreact to one loss like ESPN, whose Power Rankings essentially sort the teams by winning percentage. They’ll still finish 12-4 or so. Last week just happened to be one of those 4 losses.

3(4). San Diego Chargers 4-1

On bye.

2(2). Green Bay Packers 6-0

The Packers looked unstoppable once again last week, jumping out to a 24-3 halftime lead over St. Louis and then falling asleep in the 2^nd half and still winning 24-3. The Packers have been the most impressive team in the league this year. There’s no question about that. That doesn’t mean they’ll absolutely repeat. I still think the Patriots are going to win the whole thing.

1(1). New England Patriots 5-1

I would have preferred to see the Patriots blow out the Cowboys, but I did enjoy watching Tom Brady work his 2 minute offense magic needing a score to win late. He hasn’t gotten a chance to do that much in the last couple of years because they’ve been winning by so much.

I really believe last week’s win is going to toughen them up. They haven’t won ugly in forever. That was their problem last year. Everything was too pretty and then when the Jets punched them in the mouth, they couldn’t respond. They looked absolutely terrible last week and still beat a quality opponent. Now they head into a bye and I trust Belichick to iron out all of their flaws and have this team playing awesome football out of the bye.